As a child I dreamt of getting married and having children young. Those dreams of my youth did not include infertility and recurrent miscarriage. They didn't include doctors, blood tests, drugs, sonograms, surgeries and so many many tears. Those dreams are gone and all that's left is the fear that I may never have children. That I may never be able to achieve the very essence of why woman was created.
Two years into my infertility journey, after two miscarriages, I was diagnosed with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome). The basis of this syndrome is that I do not ovulate and I have an increased risk of miscarriage. Basically it is close to impossible that I would ever get pregnant on my own. Because of this I see a specialest, a reproductive endocrinologist.
I have been on this rollercoaster called infertility for almost 3 years now. In that time I have done 8 cycles of clomid and had four miscarriages. I have also spent about $10,000. Now I am at a crossroads. It is time to move on to more aggressive treatments such as IUI (intra uterine insemination) with injectible medicine or possibly IVF (in-vitro infertilization). Neither of these is covered by my insurance. At my clinic an IUI with injectibles cycle is $4000 and IVF is $8000. Another option for me is adoption, but that can be anywhere from $15000-$30000. My husband and I both have good jobs, but we are not in a position where we can afford any of these treatments or adoption.
So where does this leave me? It leaves me with a broken heart and shattered dreams. The one thing that I have wanted all of my life I may never have. It leaves me feeling sad and inadequate. Feeling like a failure since I can't make my husband a father, or my mother a grandmother. Wondering what life will be like when my husband and I get older and there are no children to take care of us. Wondering how I will ever be able to live a childless life without becoming a shell of a person. These are things I don't like to think about. I try to keep hope alive in my heart. But without insurance coverage my dream of becoming a mother may just be that... a dream.
Two years into my infertility journey, after two miscarriages, I was diagnosed with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome). The basis of this syndrome is that I do not ovulate and I have an increased risk of miscarriage. Basically it is close to impossible that I would ever get pregnant on my own. Because of this I see a specialest, a reproductive endocrinologist.
I have been on this rollercoaster called infertility for almost 3 years now. In that time I have done 8 cycles of clomid and had four miscarriages. I have also spent about $10,000. Now I am at a crossroads. It is time to move on to more aggressive treatments such as IUI (intra uterine insemination) with injectible medicine or possibly IVF (in-vitro infertilization). Neither of these is covered by my insurance. At my clinic an IUI with injectibles cycle is $4000 and IVF is $8000. Another option for me is adoption, but that can be anywhere from $15000-$30000. My husband and I both have good jobs, but we are not in a position where we can afford any of these treatments or adoption.
So where does this leave me? It leaves me with a broken heart and shattered dreams. The one thing that I have wanted all of my life I may never have. It leaves me feeling sad and inadequate. Feeling like a failure since I can't make my husband a father, or my mother a grandmother. Wondering what life will be like when my husband and I get older and there are no children to take care of us. Wondering how I will ever be able to live a childless life without becoming a shell of a person. These are things I don't like to think about. I try to keep hope alive in my heart. But without insurance coverage my dream of becoming a mother may just be that... a dream.
4 comments:
This is exactly why we need mandated coverage. Thank you so much for writing this.
I sometimes just don't understand what He is planning and doing. Its never for us to know. I can only pray that His love will fill my heart and make that hole that is there fill up.
I can't fully know your pain but my heart feels a tiny bit of how yours does....and I too am at a loss as to how to cope. Our medical bills seem to be piling up and all I have to show for them is the scars that seem to be taking over my belly.
My heart breaks along with yours...
I am right where you are. What's next when you can't afford injections and ivf? We are blessed to have great adoption credits through J's work and through the government, but it still won't be enough. And that's sad. I hope that you can find a way to make your dreams of parenthood a reality. My heart is breaking for you!!! (((HUGS)))
another heartbreaking story of what this disease does to all of us, and another one that could be different with proper insurance coverage...
thank you for sharing it
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