and not knowing what that looks like. I really don't know if i have dealt with all the emotions that this tragedy holds for me. I haven't cried since last weekend and i think i am trying my hardest not to feel anything because i think it will destroy me. I know that is not good and I need to walk through all the stagese of grief, but frankly im scared. Scared i won't come out on the other side. Scared i will be a different person, a person i don't like. So I stay in my denial and try to think that life is just great. Not that it was great before this but it was significantly better. I am doing my best to avoid people, and when they call i act like all is fine. I don't like being this person, but im scared of the alternative. I am thinking that once my mom is gone and I am left alone then the emotions will flood over me.
For the first baby i made a little scrapbook. The pic of the test, the congrats cards and then the "im so sorry" cards. I had none of that for the second baby. but I have all of that and more for this one. I have sono pics. Pictures of that precious life that just tear me up everytime I see them. So when i feel like i can i am going to make a scrapbook for this baby too. That will be the only thing I will ever have of this baby. I will never get to feel him/her move or hear cry or see their beautiful eyes. And my heart aches because of it. But i will always the cards and the pictures. Three pregnancies later and still no baby, only cards and pictures. How did my life end up this way??
3 comments:
I felt the same way after my third loss. That I couldn't do it anymore, that I didn't want to try, I didn't want to start over. I didn't want to grieve, and I didn't want to believe what might be my reality. I would hug my dog, thinking he'd be the only baby I ever had. Eventually, I cried. I didn't even think about trying again. At first, I focused on getting through the day. After a while, I could focus on getting answers. Finding a problem. After that, I began to believe I had it in my to try again. Once more. If the fourth one died, I told myself, that was it. We'd adopt. It helped me get through, whether or not it is what we would have done, it helped to think "just once more, i can do this just once more". I truly believed that I wasn't going to be blessed with a child of my own, that my life was going to be so entirely different than I had hoped and planned for it to be. It was so hard to even think those things. I know the thoughts and I know the feelings. I want you to know that it does get better, and you'll have it in you to smile again. You'll have it in you to face each day, one at a time. And eventually? Maybe you'll have it in you to give it one more go. Eventually, you will be a mommy. I know you will. If you don't rigth now, that's okay. I'll hold onto that dream for you, and you can have it when you are ready.
I hope I didn't hurt you more with this comment, I just want you to know that you aren't alone, and that there is life, even after a third horrific loss.
Becca has spoken words straight from my heart to yours. I felt exactly the same way after my third loss. We also (or should I say I) focused on the hope of adoption but took it a step further with wanting to reach out to help other parents. Helping others through the support group and later with writing our book "Stolen Angels: 25 Stories of Hope after Pregnancy or Infant Loss" was crucial to healing for me.
Before I knew it, my husband returned from Iraq (I had to go through the grief process after our 3rd loss without him)and I was pregnant a fourth time (the same month he returned) and am now in my 33rd week. I say this to encourage you ... cling to your hope and cling to God.
Friend, I wrote Stolen Angels for parents just like us ... I know in my heart you'll be blessed and encouraged by the strength of the women and men between those pages. Check it out at www.stolenangels.com ... and let the healing begin.
Hugs,
momax3angels@yahoo.com
I love you Reno and I'm here for you in whatever way you need me.
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