We went home this weekend because Josh's late grandfather was being honored. It was a nice trip but it made us miss family even more and wish that we could move home.
While we were there I had a very sad realization. I feel that since the test results came back negative for a genetic disorder the problem has to be me. I feel inadequate as a women. Women's basic function is to have children, and that is one thing I apparently cannot do. Now don't get me wrong, I know that these are all lies and I am not less of a women, and it's not my fault i have PCOS. But sometimes emotion and pain out weigh logic. And I think until I do have a child, this will always be in the back of my mind. I think maybe the feeling would be similar to a women having breast cancer and losing a breast, or men who don't want a vasectomy because they would feel like less of a man. Even though it doesn't really make any sense, because breasts and sperm and babies isn't what makes us who we are the pain is still there.
It is hard to write it. I understand it in my head but it is not coming out right.
I have my SSG on friday. So we will have more answers then.
1 comment:
you are no less of a woman...but i understand that feeling. That is exactly how I felt right after my first pregnancy ended in surgery and no baby. Hang in there...your hormones are out of wack and you can't let them get the best of you....even though they usually do. I hate the pill.
I know I say this a lot, but I am always praying for you Rian. And even Katelyn and I pray for your littles who are sitting with their Father patiently waiting to meet their mama.
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