Ok I don't know if any of you saw a recent show of Oprah that talked about women in their 30's. It was a rerun of a show from January. Anywho, Jenna was on it talking about her struggle with infertility. She is a pioneer for the rights of infertiles. Getting the word out and trying to get medical coverage for infertility. She shared her heart on that show, how shameful she feels for not being able to have a child. And do you know what Oprah said????? She said "but if you just let it go and adopt you might get pregnant". Are you freaking serious??? Jenna has been trying for 4.5 years to have a baby. And has exhausted everything medical there is out there to treat infertility. Why didn't someone tell her at the beginning that all she needed to do was adopt and she would get pg. Hell, why didn't anyone tell me that, oh wait people have. And I am gonna say right now that is one of the most insensitive things a person can say to an infertile.
First of all why is it the infertile's responsibility to adopt all the unwanted children in the world? Maybe if fertiles would learn what birthcontrol is we wouldn't have such a problem. Why should i give up my dream for a biological child because there are women out there who don't want the ones they have?
Why do people see the need for a man and woman to produce a child out of the love they have for each other as extreme. If someone had cancer you wouldn't tell them to "just let go and they might get cured". Why can someone with a disease like cancer, MS, parkinsons and on on , why is it ok for them to seek medical treatment? But a man or woman suffering from infertility(which happens to be a DISEASE that affects 7 million americans) and doing everything medically possible to make the dream of a child come true should just give up and freaking adopt?
Can I just tell you how upset I am with the way the world looks at infertility. This is not a club that I wanted to join, but nonetheless I am a member and I will be one for life. And as a member I will do all I can to educate those around me. To let them know that my desire to have a child grow inside of me and to give birth to something the love between me and my husband created is not lesser because I am infertile. I have every right in the world to spend as much money and time to try to achieve that dream. And I am not less of a person because of it. I do not have to adopt all the needy children out there. And me just giving up and relaxing isn't gonna get me pregnant.
Can I just say that this is one of those cases of "if you haven't walked a mile in their shoes". If you have never been infertile or never had a m/c you will never be able to perceive the deep sadness, inadequacy or shame that comes along with it. The thought that as a woman you are messed up because you cannot perform the function a woman was created for. Because your body hates you so much that when it does get pg it lets that baby die. The thought of what a disappointment I must be to my husband because i cannot give him a child. Had he known this before we were married would things be different? The gut wrenching heartbreak we go through every time someone around us gets pg and has a healthy baby. The disgust we feel about ourselves every time we feel jealousy towards a pg woman. These are things that I feel on a daily basis. Whether they are rational or not they are who I am. And I would say to you if you have never been there then please do not pass your judgment on those of us who have.
4 comments:
Two things come to mind. First, that the world likes the easy answer...happy endings. So that's what they cling to when the going gets tough. Second, for too long these topics have been taboo. Women have been shamed into silence. It takes women like Jenna (and you) to keep talking...to clear the air of misconceptions and misunderstandings...to show people that sometimes there are no happy endings...no easy answers.
I can honestly say that I am not shocked by Oprah's response. While it angers me deep inside, there are just TOO many people out there that are ignorant about infertility. All the money in the world can't change her biased view of this.
Oprah has chosen to remain childfree. Why doesn't she adopt children if they are so needy? Or why wouldn't she foot the bill for someone's adoption? It is much easier to buy everyone in the audience a new car, I guess.
People act like adoption is so easy. They forget that just because Angelina or Madonna can afford it and take the time to go to the country for months at a time, doesn't mean we all can do the same. Adoption is a great option but it isn't for everybody. And I agree - if you haven't walked a mile in that person's shoes, you have no right to attack their choices.
I wrote about this same issue when I read another blog from a feminist who was talking about her insensitivity for infertiles. It burns me up but it truly shows how "outcasted" we are from society.
Surprisingly, Oprah did have a baby who was born still. She hasn't, to my knowledge, addressed why she didn't try to have more children biologically or through adoption ... she obviously has a big heart for them. It seems her life has been dedicated to making life better for kids ... the schools, the foundations, babyshower for more than 200 women and only her accountant knows what else she's done.
Maybe that is the perspective she was commenting from ... she supports so many unwanted children then she sees a nice family who also has a passion for kids ... so she puts the two groups together. It does seem a logical connection, on the surface at least.
I do understand the pain Rian expresses in this post, but I don't think harm was intended (by Oprah), although it was inflicted.
I hope my comments aren't deemed insensitive ... I just know that I personally was eager to adopt when my husband and I suffered for 5 years as childless parents.
And why is it okay to adopt just so you get pregnant? How awful to think of adoption that way. All I have to say is I 100% agree with you and Jenna. Keep blogging on your soupbox because it makes me feel like I am not alone!!!!!!!!!!!
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