God's grace and mercy amazes me daily. He is so good to me even when I am not really paying much attention to Him. I am going to honestly say that I have had a hard time spending time with him or praying since the m/c in april. That paticular m/c rocked my world more than the other two combined. See we (me, josh and my whole church, mom and family) were praying that I would not get pg again until i was going to carry to term. That prayer had been prayed every day for almost a year. So when I got pg I was 100% sure that pg would stick and I would be bringing home a baby in november. Even when we went for the first sono and things didn't look good, I still believed we would have that baby. So, when we went for the 2nd sono and there was no hb my world fell apart more than it ever had.
I think the first two m/c helped to bring me closer to God, but the thrid one just pushed me away. And then a bfn and a chemical pg just added to it. The more pain I had to go through and the more happiness and blessings I saw in my friends lives just made me not believe anymore. I still believed in God, but didn't really believe that He loved me like he did everyone else. That I was doing something wrong and thus being punished. I have had many great people try and speak truth into my life , but it is hard to listen sometimes.
Last weekend when I felt my marriage and my life were crumbling at my feet I was mad at God again. I couldn't believe that he was going to have me walk through something else. Why the heck did he think I was so strong? He knew that forgiveness was hard for me and that was the one thing I had to do to save my marriage. So last saturday my heart was broken for the millionth time and I didn't know how I was going to recover.
On Sunday our pastor talked about forgivness. Mainly about accepting God's forgiveness of us. It was perfect timing of course because there are no coincidences with God. I realized then that I had to forgive josh. And the fact that he wept at my feet and told me over and over how sorry he was made it that much easier.
I am truly amazed at what God has done in our lives over the past 6 days. There is no anger or bitterness between us. We are so much in love and just want to spend time with each other. I have completely forgiven him for this and other things that I felt the need to harbor for the last 9 years. I am free, we are free and I just want to shout it from the rooftops how wonderful God is. It is nothing short of a miracle how things have worked out. There is no way in my humanness that I could have forgiven him. It was all the grace and mercy of God.
6 comments:
Amen and Amen! I am so astonished at the miracle that has been laid out before us!
I can hear the hope in your words...God is amazing, huh? I'm so glad you're at the point where you can praise Him! God has an amazing timetable, and although it makes no sense to us, it makes complete sense to Him. Praying you can remain at this point no matter what God takes you through. Just remember that He's ALWAYS by your side! He will NEVER leave you to fend for yourself! EVER!!
I'm glad you're at this place of hope and peace.
God is so good!
I saw your comment on Mel's blog, and I wanted to visit you and say, "hi."
Nice to meet another moody person :-).
I read your post about how you and the church prayed that you wouldn't get pregnant again until the baby would survive, yet your next pregnancy, you still had a miscarriage.
The same thing happened to us with our little girl Eyana. She died right at 24 weeks, same as our first two babies. I asked a minister how that could have happened, if we asked God to let us get pregnant only when the child would survive!?
She asked me if I had done anything to prevent getting pregnant. I said no. She then asked if I had waited to hear from God about when I should proceed with our pregnancy plans. Again I said no.
She then said I should have used natural family planning to avoid pregnancy until I actually got a response from God about when we should try again. If while actively avoiding pregnancy, I became pregnant, that may well have been the answer to my prayers.
(Mind you, this was the revelation I received about my actions... your situation may be entirely different.)
The truth is, I was simply going through the motions of consulting God (although I only see that in hindsight ... couldn't see it at the time). I just wanted that baby NOW ... I only wanted God to make sure I wasn't disappointed.
I faltered a bit in my faith, but thankfully I had a good friend come and kick my crutch. Now I'm back on track.
Sounds like you are finding your path, as well. It just brings a smile to my face, Rian! Keep on, keepin' on!
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