Let me first say that I seriously love being pregnant. Of course there are things about pregnancy that I don't really like. But the good out weighs the bad everytime.
The one thing I don't like about being pg is how freaking paranoid I am. There are moments where I am blissfully happy. Moments where I think about giving birth and bringing this little Turkey home.
But there are also moments when my mind goes the other way. This morning was one of those. I have gotten used to Kai kicking me when I wake up and roll over or use the bathroom. But this morning he didn't. I felt no movement. I'm sure a person without my history and knowledge wouldn't think twice. But it sends me into a tailspin of emotion and it is crazy how quickly my brain can go places I don't want it to go. So I lay there praying to God that all is well and that he will kick as the knot in my stomach grows and grows. I finally wake Josh up, slightly embarrassed by my paranoria, to break out the doppler. He is very understanding and of course we find that beautiful heartbeat right away.
This is just another way that I have been robbed of the blissful pregnancy. I have gone through too much. I am too informed and I know exactly what can go wrong. There are no guarantees at the end of this road and that terrifies me.
4 comments:
I have not had to go through all of the trials and tribulations you have, and I was still as paranoid as you are when I was pg. You just have no control over what is going on in your tummy and it's really freaky!
A trick I used to get Sawyer moving if he was being too still for my liking (this didn't happen often, as Sawyer was REALLY nuts in there) was to down a bunch of apple juice. That usually had him bopping around in no time. The kid still can't get enough of the "a-juice" 18 months later...
You're doing great and it's ok to be scared! It's all going to be worth it in the end!
It's a normal thing...well maybe for girls like us...I too had a freak out moment that landed me in the ER. And I had only had 1 loss at this point! But yup! I went and needed to see my little girl rolling around and hear her little heartbeat.
Paranoid, not really...in love with that Turkey growin inside you...definitely. Peace of mind is priceless even if it makes you seem a wee bit nuts.
isn't it amazing and sad how the innocent oblivious happiness was stolen from us? Never to be able to enjoy another pregnancy wholly. Hang in there. If my boy doesn't move I wiggle my belly and poke and shove until he does. I did that to Anders a lot too, its for a different reason this time though. Big hugs!!
You just keep taking it one day at a time. I'm glad you have the doppler....and a husband that will let you get him up at all hours!
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