1 am thoughts

It's very late, or I guess you could say it is very early and I am awake. I feel tired, I would like to be asleep, but an upset stomach is keeping me awake.

Here's some honesty for ya...

• I have been avoiding church because I am not wanting to make new friends that I will have to say goodbye to very soon, it is hard enough thinking about saying goodbye to the ones I already have.
• I have been avoiding church because I feel guilty for not truly trusting God to give me a baby.
• I seem to have become a recluse. I don't know how it happened but I rarely go out and sometimes I am really ok with that because it takes too much energy to go out, but other times it makes me really sad.
• I hate being in this place of limbo, waiting to sell the house and move. I am ready to start fresh. I am ready to be near family again. But at the same time I am not ready to leave all this behind.
• It is oddly easy for me to trust God with josh's job and our finances.
• I miss working. I don't miss actually going to work, but I miss being a part of something.
• I want to go back to college, but I have no idea what I want to get my degree in.
• Josh and I were going to go on a cruise with some friends for our 10th anniversary, but with our current financial situation that is not gonna happen and that makes me a little angry at all the people who caused this financial crisis.
• I never knew that having a baby would be so much fun.
• My dad's birthday is today. I want him to know how thankful I am to him for Kai, but words and actions can't seem to express the depth of my gratefulness.
• My baby brother will turn 19 next friday and that makes me feel really old.