My life seriously feels like it is spinning out of control at the moment and I really think that blogging more might help with my mental health so here goes.
I spent some of today reading old blog posts...remembering what my life was like pre-kai. Some of the posts are filled with heartache, anger and saddnesss, but there are others that are filled with so much hope. I want to find that hope again. That deep down knowing that everything would work out in the end. That maybe the road was hard but I could walk through it and be a better person at the end.
I truly feel hopeless in my current situation. It really just seems that things keep going wrong. It is going to be so hard to move back into the in-laws house. A year ago when we moved here I would never have imagined we would still be living there. I just feel like I have no control over anything. I am seriously ready for this crappy season to be over. But as much as I want it to be over I want to have walked it well more. I want to be able to say that I had hope and that I believed that God was doing something wonderful even if I couldn't see it. That's what I have to work on.
But while I'm in this valley longing for the mountain tops I will focus on my little miracle. Kai truly is my reason for waking up everyday and trying to do something productive with my life. He is my light and my joy. I am so amazed by him and who he is. I am thankful everyday I get to spend with him. I know that walking the road of infertility was so worth because I ended up with such an amazing gift. I can only hope that the end of this road has something wonderful waiting for me.
2 comments:
I think many of us are going through humbling financial times, myself included. Around my house we call it "The Debt Diet." I am always frantically counting diapers til payday, planning our errands around not wasting gasoline, saying no to even a dollar-priced ice cream cone, and so on. It's okay, honey, it's okay.
I am SO proud of you for going back to school and investing in YOURSELF like that! My Mom did that when I was in starting high school, and I remember her being discouraged and saying, "but you'll have graduated high school by the time I am done, and I wanted to get my degree so it could benefit you, too." To which I said "And Mom, how old am I and you going to be if you don't back to school and get your degree?!"
You stick with this, no matter what. You are doing the right thing. Keeping your family together and moderately sane and healthy is the important "Thing" right now. The rest is fluff.
(But it's okay to vent about it - always!!! Otherwise we will explode.)
I hear ya. We're living with the in-laws as well. I want to be positive and live with hope as well and feel guilty at times for being angry about all this when we have our health, I have an adorable 3 yr old, a loving husband, another baby on the way and in-laws who are okay with us living here. Its hard to be an adult and then have to seemingly go backwards. I just hope that my experience will allow me to be a support for someone in the future who may be going through the same things.
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