I have read on a few blogs lately about women trying to be happy and content with where they are. But I don't know how to do that, really. I think I'm good at putting on a happy face for the world, but I can't remember the last time I was truly happy with my circumstances. How can I be happy when something that I want so badly I keep losing?
I have to come to a place where I can be content with my life without children. Because at the moment having them looks grim to me. I can no longer afford my RE and my insurance is crap. So I am all alone with my PCOS and my not ovulating. So where does that leave me? Without children, except by the grace of God. I know he can do anything. But after almost three years it is hard for me to think that giving me a child is on the list. I know that I have learned a lot from this journey and grown closer to him, but right now I am tired of learning and growing.
So the bleeding hasn't started yet. I know that some of you have known you were going to m/c and chose to let it happen naturally. I have a lot of respect for you. I have never had to wait and it is killing me. I just want it over. As long as there is no bleeding then there is still hope and my heart doesn't feel like hoping.
I am just so sad right now. I know that this will pass and I will be in higher spririts. But it might be a while. I have an EDD in each of the next three months. Sooooo. I was thinking they would all be easier if I was pg. Especially the one in November. I still haven't decided if we are going home for Thanksgiving or if i will sleep the whole weekend. I guess time will tell.
On a good note I did just buy a Blue October cd. I love that band. I listend to the Ocean song this morning and it expresses a little how i feel. Here are the lyrics I relate to.
I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
5 comments:
I'm so sorry. :(
I also don't know if I can achieve true happiness at the moment. I think it is hard work to get to that point. I'm not there yet but at least I'm trying to recognize where I am happy in my life and appreciate those things.
Without a baby, I will always feel empty. I am hoping that my future will allow me to be a mother somehow - through IVF, adoption, naturale or whatever means. I also hope you have the same in your future. I'm so sad for you and I wish I had the words to comfort you. All I can do is send my love and let you know I'm here for anything you need.
That CD is pretty awesome. I bought it for DH for Christmas and he loves it. It is great music for times like these. Very melodic.
XOXO
I'm not to the point that I'm happy with my circumstances, but I'm learning to be happy with what I have been given rather than focusing on what I don't have. Yes, it still stings so badly that we don't have children, but God has blessed me with a wonderful family and great friends, so I need to praise Him for that. I hope that you can get to the point where you can do the same. I know it's hard especially when treatments fail and AF shows. I'm sorry you're having to go through this! No one deserves this!!! Thinking of you...
It is tough to be content. It is so easy to let worries about future and past keep us from the present. It reminds me of an episode of Heroes we watched this weekend. I don't mean to sound like I am preaching - I have the same problems...I just try to ignore them (but they sneak up every so often - especially when I have more hormones in my body like O time or AF time) one day maybe i will be able to recognize these feelings someday rather than ignore them
I hate you are here. I hate you are waiting for your m/c. I hate you have dates coming that are looming over your head. I wish I could change it all for you.
As for happiness, I have been on this road forever. (at least it feels this way) I am not happy with my situation. I want a baby more than words BUT I have had to work hard to find a sort of content in it all. I have my moments but if I didn't change my attitude and thinking I was going to drive myself crazy. When I get to do something awesome that others with kids can't do I chalk that up to a great time.
HUGS all around to you!
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