Three years ago today my world fell apart for the first time. It was a wednesday and Josh and I had each taken the afternoon off. We went out to lunch, then we were gonna go to my dr appt and then his dr appt. It was our first OB appt. We were so anxious and excited. It was going to be our first peak at our little baby. After spending almost an hour with the nurse we went back to the sono room. And that is when the world stopped spinning. The baby had no HB and had died a week and a half earlier. I went to work the next day and don't know who I functioned at all. I remember stopping at the door crying and telling one of the nurses I didn't think I could do this. I didn't think I could work that day, and I didn't think I could survive the death of my first child. I had my first D&C the next day. All of these events are still so clear in my mind. I can remember all of the details and I guess they haunt me sometimes.
This is the first time I have been pg on this date. It is an odd mixutre of feelings. Hope and sorrow all at the same time. I just finished going through some of the baby things I have attained over the years. The diaper bag my mom bought me three years ago when I was pg with September baby. The page from the calender at work for the month of march that year that has a women sitting on a bench with a photo album in her lap and the saying "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." The teddy bear, picture frame, and adorable outfits I have from all three pregnancies. Each one of them evoking both tears and smiles. The hope that one day they will be used on a living baby.
I am trying not to dwell on the sadness today. I really want to put all of my focus on what is going on right now. There is life inside me at this moment. A miracle has happened. I have been given another chance at this motherhood thing and I am going to embrace every moment of it. Now I'm not saying I don't have my moments of sheer terror, because I do. But i try to make the good thoughts out weight the bad ones. I know it is so very early still, but I feel good and I am really doing everything in my power to keep this baby alive. Now all I have to do is trust God.
5 comments:
Hang in there. I have the same feelings. It is strange to find out about a new pregnancy at the same time as a previous one. I have been praying for you.
feel everything, good and bad. you're human and it's completely normal and understandable. I can not imagine what you feel exactly but to be terrified sometimes is understandable. We will all be sending good luck, good thoughts and prayers everyday.
You're a strong lady, Mrs. Moody, and you're free to feel it all!
I will pray for you. I am sure it must be frightening but I am also sure that having been through all you have that you are a fighter! I wish you luck and it's still ok to cry and feel the saddness.
Hang in there!
Certain dates on the calendar are very, very, very difficult for me, too. So are certain items in my wardrobe, because I remember wearing them when I was pregnant. I never accumulated any baby items, probably because I m/c early each time. I am hoping that with this IVF cycle, something good will happen, and maybe the bad reminders will start to hurt less. Anyways, just wanted to remind you that you are not alone -- HUGS.
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