I don't know if any of you noticed but my last post was written around 4 am. This is being written at 4:24 am. So it seems when I get up for my 3 o'clock pee I have trouble going back to sleep.
Funny story... In my last post when I wrote that my friend Beth was a great photog it was because I honestly couldn't remember how to spell the word photographer. And I have heard people in the business use the word photog so I thought why not!!!!! So between pregnancy brain and it being four in the morning my mind is pretty shot.
I have been thinking a lot lately about the conundrum of being a pregnant infertile. I know that there are people who do not read my blog because I am pg and people who will not read anymore after the baby comes. And to some extent I really do understand the problem. I always loved reading pg and baby blogs because it gave me hope that it could still happen for me. The problem I am having is that I don't want the birth of my son to negate the 3 years of pain and heartache I went through. Those years were real and heartwrenching and one reason I survived them was to help other women through the same experiences. I guess what I am saying is that I am having a hard time commenting on blogs of women who still are not pg. I am afraid they will come here and see I am pg and say "oh she is pg she doesn't know what I'm going through", but that is so not true. I guess it is just a little odd to me that we are all working towards the same goal, pregnancy, but when we finally get there it is hard to support the ones still struggling.
I know that some women who have had babies have changed their blog and moved past their infertility and that is great. But for me infetility is such a huge part of who I am today. And in all honesty because of the PCOS I have no idea how easy or hard it will be to conceive my second child.
Ok moving on...
I'm going to take this time to tell you all how wonderful my husband is. He has always been a great husband but especially since the death scare in April he has been overly cautious of me. It's funny everytime I don't feel well he will ask, "are you dizzy, are you having abdominal pain". Thankfully I have no idea what it is like to see my spouse in so much pain and agony and then be wheeled of to the OR for surgery not knowing how it will all turn out. But unfortunately he does. Since this whole ttc thing I have had surgery 4 times and 3 of those were in the same year. I know that all of those were hard on him. Even though 3 of the surgeries I was never cut open they still put me under and you never know what can happen.
I am so thankful for him there are not even words to express it. He takes great care of me and doesn't let me overdo anything. I get to sit and watch him work. I can't wait until his son arrives and he sees how natural a father he really is. In his prayer last night he admitted he had no idea what how to be a parent. But I know that it is there inside him just waiting to come out. He is going to be a great daddy and I am so anxious for the day when Kai comes and Josh can see how natural it will come.
4 comments:
I am glad you are still doing great. I think being pregnant after infertility is VERY hard, but also a testament to God's amazing grace and his plan for you (and me). Your son and my daughter were both created in his perfect timing and came exactly when they were supposed to. ;)
Your husband is awesome and he is going to make a wonderful father. I cannot wait to see mine be a dady either. It's going to be something so special.
*hugs*
I haven't seen you or Josh in years, but I have no doubt that you both will be amazing parents. I am sooo excited for you guys and can't wait to see pics of Turkey once he's arrived!
For years I was the childless mother. Our horribly painful story had become a part of my identity ... when Zo came along all that changed. I still have a passion for hurting parents, but having Zo transformed something inside of me. I'm not the person I was before and as time marches along I have to reach down deep to tap into the pain that felt so real almost 2 years ago. I used to feel guilty. I don't anymore. Who I am today is a testament of God's power, healing and mercy.
I won't ever forget where I've been. Those memories keep me humble - and grateful. But, I'm happy to grow on and become defined by other experiences God will give me the strength to overcome. Wanna know the amazing truth? Having Zo does cancel out the misery experienced all those years. (That had been my greatest hope!) But when bereaved parents talk to me, they never say, "oh, you don't understand" ... they say, "If you did it ... maybe I can, too."
Our victories provide real life examples for our brothers and sisters who are still on the road we've left behind. It is the way it should be. So, congratulations ... you are on to the next level in your ministry to infertile women.
I think the strongest message you have for others is HOPE. I loved Sharee's comment.
Of course Josh will be a great daddy!
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