It's been a while, too long actually. I need this space. I need to come here and say what I need to say. I think I have worried about who would read it and what they would think. But since obviously no one reads this anymore I can write whatever I want...right?!?!?! But seriously this used to be a place I could come to and express what was going on in my life...the good, the bad and the ugly. And today I need to talk about the ugly...so here goes.
I am not happy. I mean I have my moments of happiness but a lot of the time I am not happy. The move here has been hard. Leaving Arlington was hard, it was easy at the time, but now it is hard. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret moving here at all. I know it was the right thing to do and when I see Kai with his grandparents it's confirmed...but it is still hard. Making friends here has been hard. My husband working 7 days a week is hard. And thus I am lonely.
It's weird how different this is from my time of infertility and miscarriage. I had my times of unhappiness then, I was even on anti-depressants for a period, but it wasn't like this. I had people in my life. I had friends, I had support. My life wasn't all about infertility, that was just a part of it. The rest of my life was Josh and work and church and all the wonderful people I had. The people that prayed for me. The people who were there through the good and the bad. I had fun with them, I cried with them. My life was full even though I didn't have a child. Now I have a son and my life is so full because of him, but I need more.
I spend 100% of my time with Kai. I see my husband for 3 hours a day. I only leave the house to go to the store, or church or to take Kai somewhere. I miss what I had in Arlington. I'm not the type of person to have regrets. I know I can't change the past so I learn from it and move on. But when it comes to what I left behind I have regrets. When I think about the beautiful house, that I loved and then lost, I physically feel an ache in my heart. When I think about the people...the people who loved me, the people who were there for me, I physically feel an ache in my heart.
I don't know what to do, I don't know how to change my circumstances, or how to make what I have enough...
2 comments:
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Sounds like you need some pretty serious girlfriend time. Sorry you're feeling so bla. See you in 1.5 weeks. I know that my presence makes you feel better. ;) Maybe we can leave the kids with the men for a bit and hang out (aka have a few drinks).
Can I give you a long distance hug?!
You know there's only One who can fill any gap, any loss, any time, and have it be enough. Any other way will always leave us needing more. We get through one thing, only to find ourselves in another thing. So, without discounting any of your feelings, you probably know what I'm going to ask. If not, give me a call. If so, give me a call anyway.
I LOVE YOU! AND I MISS YOU!
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