The dream is dead....

I had this whole big post written in my head.  I was gonna come on here and tell you all that I was pregnant and that it was a total surprise.  We weren't even trying and there were no doctors involved...then wednesday happened.

I don't know why I truly thought it would be different this time.  Maybe because we weren't trying and it just kinda happened.  That was different, so everything else must be too...right?  I hadn't seen a dr yet because of insurance crap.  I considered that good and bad.  Bad because I didn't know what was going on and good because I didn't know what was going on.  I was able to live in denial because I really had no clue what was happening inside my body.  I had finally gotten my dr's appt scheduled but it wasn't until Oct 2.  But I was feeling pretty crappy, so that was a good sign.  And seriously, how could I possibly have another miscarriage?  I mean really isn't 5 enough.  I had had a successful pregnancy so there was no reason to think this would be different.

So fast forward to Wednesday...24 hours ago.  I was having a cramping pain and it quickly got worse until it was severe.  We headed to the ER around 9:15 pm.  It really just felt like a contraction that would not stop.  The ER got us in quick because I told them I had had a heterotopic and this was feeling similiar.  I saw the dr, got some pain meds and went for a sono.  Even at this point I was still thinking all was ok.  Maybe it was my gallbladder or appendix...or something.  She did the sono and spent a lot of time on my left ovary.  Everytime she moved the wand over there the pain was unbearable.  By this point I was thinking that my ovary had a cyst and it had burst.  I mean I was over 10 weeks.  When my tube burst at 8 weeks last time everyone was surprised I made it that long.  No way would it wait until 10 weeks to burst.

They wheeled me back to the room and as soon as I was in Josh told me it was an ectopic.  That's when my world came crashing down.  They took me to surgery and thankfully this time it wasn't as bad so they did it laprascopically.  When I woke up I was told they took my left tube and ovary.  The dr said it was just a huge mess in there and it was very likely the baby had implanted in the ovary.  I spent the night in the hospital and came home around 2 this afternoon.

I haven't really let myself feel all that is inside.  I'm afraid I won't be able to come back from it.  It's different this time because I have a Kai, I have to be here and available for him.  But it's hard and I am angry.  So angry that my fertility has been taken away from me.  That I don't get to decide to have more kids...it's been decided for me.  That all the dreams I had for my life have been stolen from me.  I am so freaking angry right now, and I don't know when I won't be.  I cry everytime I think of Kai being an only child.  How unfair to him, he was robbed of siblings... 6 of them to be exact. 

I know eventually I will come out on the other side of this and life will go on.  But today...today I choose to be angry.  Angry that I cannot give my son and husband more kids.  Angry at the hand I was dealt, just angry at everything. 

It's not lost on me the irony of my story.  My journey to be a mother began and ended the same way.  Pregnancies achieved on my own, without medical help.  And at 10.5 weeks they were over...