I have been living my "new normal" for almost a year now. It's weird because it doesn't feel like it's been that long, but it has. When I look back over the year I'm disappointed with what I see. I don't think I have grown as a person. I don't think I have learned anything about myself or my God. I don't think that I have become closer with God. I don't think I have done anything at all productive. I'm pretty sure all I've done is focus on what I don't have.
Typing it out and reading it makes me feel so...selfish. It's hard to look at our true selves, who we really are without all the sugar coating. And frankly, in this moment, I don't like what I see. I see a woman who has taken the pain of losing her children and her fertility and used it as an excuse to become a recluse. I see a woman who most of the time is unhappy, unhappy with her life, her marriage, her friendships, her self...pretty much everything. Is this really what I want for my life? Do I want to live clinging to the past, to the could of beens? Do I want my son to know only this version of me?
I am at a crossroads...continue down this unhappy path and be a shell of a person. Or choose to live, to really LIVE. Choose to see that I am abundantly blessed regardless of what I have lost. I think I'll choose the latter. I don't want people to say..."she would have been such a happier person if she hadn't lost so much". I want to be happy in spite of what I have lost. I hate that I can only see things from a worldly perspective. God sees it all, he knows what's going to happen, I wish he'd let me in on it a little.
I can't change the past, I cannot get back what I have lost. All I can do is choose today to be content and do the best with the life I have been given. I don't know what the future holds, it may have more children in it, it may not...I want to be ok either way. I want God to use me in mighty ways. I want to see all the pain and heartache turn into something beautiful. I know it can...I know it will.
So today, 5 days shy of the one year anniversary I am choosing God. I am choosing happiness. I am choosing to live my life to the fullest, every moment of it. I am choosing to soak up every second I have with my precious son. I am choosing to be vulnerable and to love.
I am choosing to be ok with the life God has given me, because it is a pretty awesome one...
1 comment:
Hi,
I understand completely how you feel. It´s only been 2 and a half months after my labour day but it has just been terrible. I don´t have any other children, and I gave birth to my two sons who weren´t alive.
Just as you said, I don´t think I am becoming a better person or getting closer to God. I am always feeling miserable, feeling that everybody is ahead of me or has more than i. It is just terrible, i hate the feelings that i am feeling, I had never been this envious before. I just hope God gives me the strength to go on and accept, and love me for who i am...
The truth is that i cannot truly know how you feel but if it makes you feel any better at all i am envious of you and the fact that you already have a son.. I hope you can enjoy life as you say you want to do and show him the other (not moody) you.
Lots of love...
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