I am constantly feeling pressured to just be "ok". Now whether this is coming from my mind or society I'm not really sure. But the problem is that I don't know how to be ok, I don't know how to be happy.
I just want to scream at people that what has happened to my life IS A BIG FREAKIN DEAL. I want them to understand how huge it is...at least to me anyways. I feel like I'm the only person who has a problem with being told they can have no more children.
I truly do want to be ok. I want to be 100% happy with my life. I want to not constantly think about the other children I wish I had. I don't want to constantly think about Kai being an only child, and what if something happened to him and then I would have none. This is what my brain does and I can't stop it. I can't stop thinking of what I wanted...what I can't have. I feel incomplete, my family feels incomplete. I try to put on the brave face and go through baby stuff and sell it because I don't need it anymore but it's killing me inside.
I look at Kai and he is just so freaking awesome and I want more of that. I want other little josh and rians running around. I want Kai to have someone to play with. I want so many things...and I just don't know how to stop wanting.
2 comments:
Have you thought about counseling? Of course it won't change the situation, but it may give you some tools for dealing with it. I hope you are able to get peace back in your life!
That is exactly how I feel. Thank you for being brave enough to say it. I feel guilty for feeling the way I do. And counseling probably won't fill the hole in my heart.
Post a Comment