Moving on...

2012 was awesome and completely crappy all at the same time.  We rented a great house.  Josh got a great job.  I got a really great job too.  One that allows me to still be home with Kai 4 days a week.  We bought a car.  We got a puppy.  All wonderful things that happened in the last year.

But the biggest event of the year was heartbreaking.  I am so ready for a year without drama, and heartache and tears and so, so many "whys".  This last loss is def the hardest of all 6.  Not only did I lose another child but I also lost my fertility...I am barren.  Those words cut me deep.  As I was laying in that ER waiting for the dr to tell me what was wrong, never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would lose my fertility that night.  Through all my struggles trying to have kids, I never once thought I wouldn't have any or only 1.  I always thought I would get through it and I would have the family I had always dreamt of.  I'm an optimist and it really sucks sometimes.

So here we are in 2013.  A new year full of promise and possibilities.  IVF and adoption are still on the table, but now that I have a job I don't really see how either of those would work.  But I'm open to them.  But I have decided to stop living my life around when I am going to have a kid.  I have done that for the last 8 years and I'm tired of it.

So this year is the year of Rian.  I am going to be selfish this year and think about myself.  I am going to not just lose weight but I am going to get into shape.  I plan to do this next fall.  I am going to work my butt off this year.  I am going to be happy and healthy and may I also say, sexy, by the end of 2013.  I am also planning a vacation to dis.ney.world for next year too.  I have always wanted to go and I think Kai is old enough to enjoy it so we are going.

We are going to live, we are going to see the world, or at least our nation.  We are going to experience things.  There is a very high possibility that Kai is my only one and I am going to do my best to give him the greatest life he can have.

So bring it on 2013...I'm ready.